Look around. Anyone who's ever dipped their toe in the crime fiction stream knows that life is a hard and unforgiving journey through a bittersweet world of bad choices and worse luck. But, really, does EVERYTHING have to be labeled “noir”? Your Honour, let me present my case:
$225 Gotham City Ring, nOir Jewelry
Started 14 years ago by designer and stylist Leeora Catalan, nOir offers a “fresh and cheeky take on style” that “blends glamour with an edgy street influence.” No, really, that's what they say, and it seems to be working. Their jewellery is worn by such People Magazine A-listers as Lady Gaga, Madonna, Rihanna, Gwen Stefani, Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Katy Perry, and Fergie. Still, I'm not so sure how “noir” any of it is—I mean, among their collections are ones featuring designs inspired by Walt Disney... and Mattel's Barbie. Still, the Gotham City Ring from the DC Comics Collection is sorta cool, in a dark, creepy and tacky sort of way—just like Gotham City, actually. The ring is solid brass plated in Gunmetal and has Cubic Zirconia stones that make up the windows of the buildings. And what a steal at a mere $225 simoles! Although, given the heft of this thing and the way it juts out, it just might make for a dandy weapon.
$80.00 The Vargas Dress, Kiss Me Deadly
And speaking of seamed stockings...has your best gal ever complained about how difficult it is to find a decent garter set or vintage lingerie these days? Well, the British clothing company Kiss Me Deadly feels their pain. They make period lingerie for “glamorous, sensual and intelligent women” who truly understand that even nice girls like to play naughty sometimes—and that getting dressed in a retro cocktail dress is a little like building something from the ground up. Seems they were called foundation garments for a reason. The people at Kiss Me Deadly understand, and will ship all over the world. The Vargas Dress in Black is their perennial best seller. Alternately called a corselette, body briefer, body shaper, all-in-one, and a host of other names, it's essentially a bra and girdle combo. The underwired, supportive bra is made from lace over lingerie mesh, and underneath, there's a double layer of stretchy control mesh, finished off with six metal garter tabs for stockings.
$255.00 The Floral Print Dressing Gown, The Noir Boudoir
Of course, a girl can't wander around ALL the time in her underthings, can she? So perhaps an era-appropriate dressing gown is in order, and the Noir Boudoir (part of the much larger dorotheasclosetvintage.com site) may just have your number. They have an awesome selection of vintage dressing gowns, like this 1930s-styled zippered front dressing gown in polished cotton that puts the hubba back into hubba hubba. A black background boasts a bold pink hydrangea floral pattern, with a wide rounded collar, a bow tie at the neck and a sash at the waist. It measures 36” at the bust, 26” at the waist, 44” at the hips and it's 57” long, but if that's not quite you, they've got plenty of other great choices.
$29.00-$60.00 The Sexy Little Things Noir Perfume, Victoria's Secret
Of course, any femme fatale worth her seamed stockings doesn't just want to look noir—she wants to smell noir too. With its hints of amber, cattelaya orchid, water lily, apple, sparkling citrus, pineapple, velvet musk, guanabana, pear, red fruit, bergamot, muguet, sparkling nectarine, cyclamen, jasmine, plum, vanilla, dewberry, cassis, musk and, I'm sure, some other ingredients they just made up, this is a scent, slightly fruity, slightly floral and all woman, that has more mystery to it than a shelf full of James M. Cain novels. But on the right dame? Smells like sin to me...
$5.99 Noir de Noir 150, Cote D'Or
Like chocolate? The Cote D'Or's Noir de Noir 150 is 150 grams (a little over five ounces) of sinfully delicious plain dark chocolate, imported from Belgium, where noir is just another word for “black.” Sure, at six bucks a pop, it may seem pricey, but after sinking your teeth into some real chocolate, you'll realize that this is the real McCoy, and that biting into most American chocolate is like biting into a birthday candle.
So, she meets you at the door to the apartment in her floral dressing gown, the whisper of silk underthings battling the subtle but insistent hint of a perfume that's making your head swim. She chucks you under the chin and slowly strokes your cheek with the back of her hand, letting that ring lightly graze the side of your face. She gives you a playful slap, tells you in that slightly breathless voice of hers that you need a shave, and then she offers you chocolate. Really, really good chocolate. And all the time she's got those baby blues fastened on you. If that doesn't make you guys wanna push an unwanted husband or two off a train, I don't know what will…
