A is for Alfie, whose life was Abridged,
When pickled in Aspic and stuffed in the fridge.
Slain by the Accountant at his old Alma mater,
And served up with Asparagus and a potater.
The Accountant—poor Al—had a motive Abstruse
Four years of hideous verbal Abuse,
From Alfie, whose tongue was as sharp as an Adder
And just made timid Al slowly madder and madder.
B brings us on to the tale of poor Bertie,
Brained by a Billiard Ball before he was 30.
At a Bed and Breakfast in Bath, where he paid with his life
For an afternoon’s Bonk with a Baronet’s wife.
C is for Curtis, whose end was quite silly,
Hung from a Cable Car in the mountains of Chile.
He Courted a most Captivating Calypsoing diva,
And in her had sparked a murderous fever,
When he Callously Chucked her and went out with her mother,
Her Cousin, her grandma, her aunt and her brother.
D is for Derek, who should have known not to Dally
With Delphine, a Delicious Danceuse from the ballet.
To Dance was this Damsel’s only Delight,
She Danced in the Day and she Danced in the night.
She Danced in her Dreams when one of her feet,
Gave Derek a kick in The Nutcracker Suite.
He jumped from the bed in need of pain medication,
Crashed through the window and died of Defenestration.
E is for Eric, an Embezzler from Ealing
Who stole an Enormous Emerald from the Earl of Darjeeling
The Earl (who of the police had no Expectation)
Embalmed poor Eric following Evisceration.
F is for Frederick, next in this Fable
Who routinely drank his Friends under the table.
He Fetched up in France, on a Farm Filled with vines
Where his Felonious Flaw of Filching Fine wines
Made the Farmer Fed up of light Fingered Fred,
So Full of Fury he took a Flagon to Fred’s head,
And beat him quite senseless, and with Frenzy demented
Left him Face down in a vat where poor Fred Fermented.
(PS—a wine taster Found bottled Fred “Quite shoddy
A Feeble vintage—no Flavour, no body.”)
G is for George, whose fate was so Gory
That I hesitate to include poor George in this story.
For his habit of flashing—so Gross and obscene
He had an appointment with Madame Guillotine.
And, without being Gruesome, he ended up dead
But what was chopped off—well, it wasn’t his head.
For George’s Ghastly crime of Grim saturnalia,
Poor George went to hell—without Genitalia.
H is for Harold, who disliked Hanky-panky
When his wife said “Yes please,” he replied “Oh, no thank ‘ee.”
When shot with a Harpoon he died in the Hydrangeas
And his wife laid the blame on a party of strangers.
I is for Idris, travelling through Indonesia
When he started to suffer strange bouts of amnesia
And pains he assumed a bug of the Intestinal persuasion,
But which turned out to be Invading alien Infestation.
He was taken in a spaceship to a galaxy afar, so
He may not be dead, just Incommunicado.
J is for Justin relaxing in his Jacuzzi,
When a Juvenile burst in brandishing an Uzi
Justin Jumped up, attempting a wild Judo tackle
But was mown down by Junior, enacting Day of The Jackal.
K is for Kevin, Kidnapped by Knaves wearing Khaki,
And spirited away to some caves in Karachi.
They roasted him with Kumquats and dined on his Kidneys
Made him into Kebabs which they gave their King, Sidney.
L is for Lionel an ex-Legionnaire
Who Left his Lovely wife Letty to begin an affair
With a Libidinous Lapdancer named Lola, from Leith,
Whose top half was Lithe but who was tubby beneath.
“Oh Lola, you’re Luscious, but I hope you won’t mind,
If I say you need Liposuction on your behind.”
Well, Lola was Livid and quite Lachrymose
So she picked up a Lamp and Landed some blows
Then she chopped him in bits and stuffed them in a cushion
And used it to rest her Lovely Large tush on.
M is for Malcolm, who worked at the Met,
And fell in love with Miranda, a drum Majorette.
They met in a band, where he was playing Maracas
About each other they were totally crackers.
But as Marriage went on things began to go wrong,
All they had in common were Mahler and Mahjong.
To bring back the Magic, they Moved to Malawi,
But Miranda said “We’re just not compatible, are we?”
With Malice aforethought quite Machiavellian,
She seduced a young chemist, by the name of Trevelyan.
She made him procure her some Mercuric Chloride,
Which she put in some Mushrooms—stuffed, and deep fried,
Malcom’s favourite dish, so she loaded his plate
And with Macabre relish watched poor Malc Masticate.
N is for Norman, from Loch Ness, a Ned
With a Nylon clad body, and empty space in his head,
Fell out of a window while escaping detection,
Not murder, just Darwinian Natural selection.
O is for Oswald—Optometrist from Oklahoma
Who was found in his Office one day in a coma.
After making suggestions Obscene and Offensive
To his secretary, Olive, who went on the defensive,
And hit him on the head with the base of the phone,
Making a bit of a mess of his Occipital bone.
P is for Percy and Phil, Paleontologists Par excellence,
Father and son, on a dig in Paris (that’s France)
A fossil found by Percy caused quite a Palaver
Sending Phil into Paroxysms of jealousy at his father.
With Poison he injected his Pater’s Pastrami,
And was tried for Parricide—but found utterly barmy.
Q is for Quentin, a Quantum mechanic,
Whose girlfriend, Queenie, about dancing was manic
So he left his work early at the government Quango
And took Queenie out to a dancehall to tango.
But while Quentin amused himself solving Quadratic equations,
Queenie with a Quarterback had carnal relations.
So Quentin challenged the Quarterback to a duel
But the Quarterback fought foul, not by Queensberry rules.
He grabbed poor Quentin by the scruff of the neck
And threw him in Quicksand off the coast of Quebec.
R is for Reggie, a Rockstar from Rome
Who modelled himself on Dee Dee Ramone.
His Rock and Roll antics were quite Rabelaisian
And he always lived down to his bad Reputation.
So no-one was surprised when he ended up dead,
When on stage with a Rabid Rat he bit off its head.
S is for Simeon, Serial Seducer from Streatham,
Got some Sausages in the post and, Starving hungry, et ‘em.
But those Sausages were Sabotaged and Stuffed with Salmonella
Sent to Simeon by his latest victim, Stella.
T is for Theo, a Televangelist who Transgressed
And was found in a Toyota with Tiffany, undressed.
With Theatrical Tears for TV viewers’ Titillation
He Told all his sins to a Tantalised nation,
But his Tormented wife found his behaviour appalling
So she killed him and wrapped him in a Tarpaulin.
Took him to a Taxidermist in Tulsa called Tony
And had him stuffed and mounted so she’d never be lonely.
U is for Umberto who was caught Unawares
With his trousers Unzipped at the foot of the stairs,
By Ursula who took Umbrage at the Unwitting fella
And stabbed him in the Umbilicus with her pointed Umbrella
V is for Victor—Veterinary surgeon from Venice
Who practiced on humans—the Villainous menace.
When Virile Vince Visited expecting a swift appendectomy,
That Vagabond Vic gave Vince a Vasectomy.
Poor Vince understandably turned Vigilante
And shot poor Vic in his delicto flagrantes.
W is for Wallace, a Wizard from Wells
Who tried very hard but just couldn’t cast spells.
He tried to conjure up a Woman with sex on the brain
But ended up in Wandsworth with a Wrestler called Wayne.
When Wayne embraced Wallace and squeezed him too tight,
Wallace passed out and died of sheer fright.
X is for Xavier, an X-ray astronomer
Who could do marvellous things with a mercury thermometer.
I cannot divulge because most were X-rated
But I’ll tell you they left his girlfriend Xena elated.
So when with a Xylophonist from Xiangstan she found him in bed
She gassed them with Xenon and left them for dead.
Y is for Yves, a Yachtsman no less
Who when Yvonne said “No” thought she really meant “Yes.”
The Yobbish Yahoo tried it on with Yvonne
So she kicked him overboard; he Yelled, and was gone.
Z is for Zebediah a Zoot-suited Zoologist
Who began to court Zesty Zara, an animal psychologist.
When he told her the Zebra was a Zodiacal sign
She realised that Zeb was out of his mind,
That he was a Zero, a nothing, a phony,
So she sneaked some Zinc Sulphate into his Zabaglione.
Donna Moore is the author of Go To Helena Handbasket (PointBlank Press, 2006), a crime-fiction spoof, and the 2007 winner of the Lefty Award for most humorous crime novel. She lives in Scotland.
This article first appeared in Mystery Scene Fall Issue #101.
